I had a three hour conversation with myself this afternoon. From noon until sometime in the three o' clock hour I was conversing with myself cranially, mostly nonstop. It's not at all an unusual happening, but typically there are more interruptions, (a cat, a phone call, etc). I woke up in a very bad mood today so I spent most of the time ranting to myself about whatever was upsetting me, and I can't even remember what that was (I'm usually in a generally poor mood on Friday anyway because that's when I go back to work, so it could have just been the stress of everything going on lately). It wasn't until Stevie did something bad, so I said her name, which was the first thing I actually said to that point today, and it seemed really loud so I was taken aback.
I used to have to sleep with the TV on at my parents' because it would always be really quiet so I'd just talk to myself forever and the silence would get way too loud, so the TV provided a nice distraction to that.
I also do this all the time when I'm alone or when I feel alone, like at work when I'm just doing some mundane task. There have been a couple times when I get into a real pickle (again, usually at work) and I start saying "oh god, oh god, oh god" in my mind as the person is yelling at me and eventually the "oh god"s get louder than what they're actually saying and I can't hear them anymore, just this gang of my voices yelling different things, like "stop" "leave me alone" and other things that sound like a child rape case, which it isn't.
Does anyone else do this? Is this normal? Should I really be telling the world these things?
Also, yes, that was a Megadeth reference in the title of this blog. And no, I should NOT have revealed that.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Brick wall
So I've really been wanting to create some sort of album. I recorded some demo tracks for several songs last year and have spent much of my free time this year making some final recordings. Five are virtually done, instrumentally speaking, leaving seven other songs, which are either partially done, finished in demo form, or nothing at all, which is somewhat depressing.
It's not even out of laziness, it's out of complete lack of time. If I could handle everything I would be so much further ahead, but I can't. I've enlisted a few friends to help, some of whom have completely different schedules than mine, or just live really far away. Not that I'm pinning the blame on anybody, if that's what it sounds like. It's just that I hate being so busy and not having the time to work on a project that I actually want to do.
Alas, maybe in the next several years you will see a release from Du Arschloch (name under construction) make its way into the world. But for now it's a fistful of near-final mixes, a couple demos and a deficient mind full of dumb ideas.
It's not even out of laziness, it's out of complete lack of time. If I could handle everything I would be so much further ahead, but I can't. I've enlisted a few friends to help, some of whom have completely different schedules than mine, or just live really far away. Not that I'm pinning the blame on anybody, if that's what it sounds like. It's just that I hate being so busy and not having the time to work on a project that I actually want to do.
Alas, maybe in the next several years you will see a release from Du Arschloch (name under construction) make its way into the world. But for now it's a fistful of near-final mixes, a couple demos and a deficient mind full of dumb ideas.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Twaddle
Hai guyz. I just wanted ya'll to know that I have a side blog going, as if one wasn't pretentious enough.
Twaddle
It's basically just an outlet for me to go on and on about songs I like so that I don't have to keep thinking about how I'd like to tell someone all these inane thoughts. It's not too interesting and you don't have to read my ravings (though I'd appreciate it if you did har har) but you may discover some new music, perhaps...?!
Of course, I've only made one post so maybe that will be it for Twaddle. Oh well.
Twaddle
It's basically just an outlet for me to go on and on about songs I like so that I don't have to keep thinking about how I'd like to tell someone all these inane thoughts. It's not too interesting and you don't have to read my ravings (though I'd appreciate it if you did har har) but you may discover some new music, perhaps...?!
Of course, I've only made one post so maybe that will be it for Twaddle. Oh well.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Its news is captured for the queen to use
I've noticed many of my peers (and just people in general) trashing my home, the city of Springfield, Missouri. And I honestly cannot understand why. It's actually pretty ridiculous, I think.
Keep in mind I'm not someone who gets to travel the world and go to whatever country/state/city I please since I failed at college, I don't have a lot of money and my parents aren't millionaires. But I have been to my fair share of places around the United States, and while I definitely prefer certain places, Springfield definitely stands up against some particular trashy egotistical bloated disasters.
Rarely have I walked around downtown in Springfield and actually felt like I was in danger. Most of the "incidents" I've had are a couple people asking me if I smoke pot, or if I have a cigarette, or change, or whatever. That all happens everywhere. I won't say I feel 100% safe, of course. I HAVE had some things stolen from my car downtown, a guy grabbed my friend Aaron and started yelling crazy obscene things at him, me and my friends got "threatened" by some redneck at Hooters (not downtown but still) but these things happen. Springfield is pretty easy going otherwise, not counting the north side of course.
On the other hand, I don't even feel safe driving down 71 in Kansas City because people are going 30 mph over the limit and merging wherever and whenever they please without warning. Never mind being in the city itself, or downtown. Kansas City is awful, perhaps the worst place I've ever visited. Every time it is just completely awful. Maybe the occasional person is nice, but the whole place is just a big urban wasteland disaster and I hate it. I haven't been to St. Louis in years, but from what I remember it's even worse (East St. Louis in particular, I just remember it being VERY black, VERY dilapidated, and very scary).
Another thing: for the 160,000 or however many people there are, traffic is not that bad at all. Usually. Unfortunately they had to go Fallout 3 on the 60/65 intersection and make it very Kansas City-esque, but other than that and a couple other areas, it is not bad at all. Ozark was MUCH worse traffic-wise last year, before they finished adding lanes. I've never had to wait 30 minutes at one light in Springfield like I've had to in Ozark. I've never come to a dead stop in four lanes of traffic during rush hour like in Kansas City, or in eight lanes like in Seattle. Speaking of traffic matters, what is the deal with Joplin? If you want to trash a city, why not Joplin? That place has almost nothing going for it, other than a convenient location (between Kansas City, Tulsa, Springfield and Fayetteville). It's not really that big but it's SO congested and pretty trashy.
Another thing I hate is when Springfield gets some new store or some trend hits here and everyone thinks it's "cute" that Springfield finally got something or that it's not cool anymore now that it's in Springfield. I was reading reviews of the Orange Leaf here and some broad from California was talking about how cute it was that quaint little Springfield got an Orange Leaf but of course it paled in comparison. Who cares, really?
I have to admit that I can name more great local attractions in Seattle and Portland than in Springfield, but part of that may because we actually looked for those kinds of things there more than here, where we take it for granted. We have some pretty cool places though. Grad School is one of the best restaurants ever, and nobody can deny that. Everything they have there is amazing. Trolley's is another good restaurant, as well as the Spring Creek Tea Room (okay, it's in Ozark but still... oh, and my mommy works there lozl) and there are some great coffee places too. So yes, there are some great places here, it's just that nobody bothers to look for them.
There ARE some things I don't like about being here though. I hate that there is only one actual record store, and the only reason it stays in business is because they also sell bongs and other related items. I don't like that few big name bands ever come through here, and we have to suffer through an adventure in Kansas City to see our favorite bands. I don't like the influence Branson has over the area, but that's not necessarily Springfield's fault, just bad luck. I don't like all the rednecks, but honestly there are rednecks in most of the country, not just Missouri. I cannot stand the weather, but again, that's a midwest thing. We went to Arkansas a couple months ago and it was even worse there.
It seems that some of the people I went to school with are fairly content here, while the rest like to criticize everything about Springfield, while my friends from Nevada generally seem to like it more here. That's kind of funny I guess. I just don't understand all the hate.
Keep in mind I'm not someone who gets to travel the world and go to whatever country/state/city I please since I failed at college, I don't have a lot of money and my parents aren't millionaires. But I have been to my fair share of places around the United States, and while I definitely prefer certain places, Springfield definitely stands up against some particular trashy egotistical bloated disasters.
Rarely have I walked around downtown in Springfield and actually felt like I was in danger. Most of the "incidents" I've had are a couple people asking me if I smoke pot, or if I have a cigarette, or change, or whatever. That all happens everywhere. I won't say I feel 100% safe, of course. I HAVE had some things stolen from my car downtown, a guy grabbed my friend Aaron and started yelling crazy obscene things at him, me and my friends got "threatened" by some redneck at Hooters (not downtown but still) but these things happen. Springfield is pretty easy going otherwise, not counting the north side of course.
On the other hand, I don't even feel safe driving down 71 in Kansas City because people are going 30 mph over the limit and merging wherever and whenever they please without warning. Never mind being in the city itself, or downtown. Kansas City is awful, perhaps the worst place I've ever visited. Every time it is just completely awful. Maybe the occasional person is nice, but the whole place is just a big urban wasteland disaster and I hate it. I haven't been to St. Louis in years, but from what I remember it's even worse (East St. Louis in particular, I just remember it being VERY black, VERY dilapidated, and very scary).
Another thing: for the 160,000 or however many people there are, traffic is not that bad at all. Usually. Unfortunately they had to go Fallout 3 on the 60/65 intersection and make it very Kansas City-esque, but other than that and a couple other areas, it is not bad at all. Ozark was MUCH worse traffic-wise last year, before they finished adding lanes. I've never had to wait 30 minutes at one light in Springfield like I've had to in Ozark. I've never come to a dead stop in four lanes of traffic during rush hour like in Kansas City, or in eight lanes like in Seattle. Speaking of traffic matters, what is the deal with Joplin? If you want to trash a city, why not Joplin? That place has almost nothing going for it, other than a convenient location (between Kansas City, Tulsa, Springfield and Fayetteville). It's not really that big but it's SO congested and pretty trashy.
Another thing I hate is when Springfield gets some new store or some trend hits here and everyone thinks it's "cute" that Springfield finally got something or that it's not cool anymore now that it's in Springfield. I was reading reviews of the Orange Leaf here and some broad from California was talking about how cute it was that quaint little Springfield got an Orange Leaf but of course it paled in comparison. Who cares, really?
I have to admit that I can name more great local attractions in Seattle and Portland than in Springfield, but part of that may because we actually looked for those kinds of things there more than here, where we take it for granted. We have some pretty cool places though. Grad School is one of the best restaurants ever, and nobody can deny that. Everything they have there is amazing. Trolley's is another good restaurant, as well as the Spring Creek Tea Room (okay, it's in Ozark but still... oh, and my mommy works there lozl) and there are some great coffee places too. So yes, there are some great places here, it's just that nobody bothers to look for them.
There ARE some things I don't like about being here though. I hate that there is only one actual record store, and the only reason it stays in business is because they also sell bongs and other related items. I don't like that few big name bands ever come through here, and we have to suffer through an adventure in Kansas City to see our favorite bands. I don't like the influence Branson has over the area, but that's not necessarily Springfield's fault, just bad luck. I don't like all the rednecks, but honestly there are rednecks in most of the country, not just Missouri. I cannot stand the weather, but again, that's a midwest thing. We went to Arkansas a couple months ago and it was even worse there.
It seems that some of the people I went to school with are fairly content here, while the rest like to criticize everything about Springfield, while my friends from Nevada generally seem to like it more here. That's kind of funny I guess. I just don't understand all the hate.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Move on
I got a call from my mom today. I probably should have interpreted this call as hopeful and optimistic, a "step in the right direction" and all that, but part of me keeps going back to the negative.
So my cousin got a job teaching at a music store that happens to be right by where I live. I guess this was possible because he knows somebody there, and my mother was telling me about it and wanting him to put in a good word for me. Sounds great, right? Well, it is. But it's still upsetting.
Of course I'm interested, that's not the problem. It's just another thing that makes me feel like a slacker/failure. I realize "they're trying to help" but if I were a decent human I would have gotten to that point myself. But I'm not so I didn't. Someone four years younger than me got there first. I don't mean that to be demeaning to anyone else, but it makes me feel like the failure of the family. "Wow, 16 and teaching, that's great! Now let's see if we can do something with this embarassment of a human." That's what it feels like. Last time the family got together I was being questioned by everybody about my choice to not return to college and what my future plans were, and now I feel like I'm even deeper in that hole.
You're probably wondering "Well, why don't you just go for it, you idiot?". And I'm going to try. One of three things will happen. The most promising is that I get a job teaching music and enjoy it, and cut down on hours at Pizza Hut significantly. Then I will have two jobs to support myself until something bigger comes along. Haha, just kidding about the last part. Or, I could get the job and hate it because of stupid kids, stupid parents, or people I work with, or whatever, and then I'm back to where I started. The worst scenario would be that nobody wants me and I lose what little hope I have now and drown myself in the Acid Tunnel.
I'm tired of letting everybody down. The last two and a half years have been spent doing just that, and I'm tired of it. I'm glad people are trying to help but they shouldn't have to, I should be able to help myself. But I can't. What is my problem? Why are people so much younger than me so far ahead of me in life? Am I crippled by some mental deficiency that everybody knows about except for me?
:(
So my cousin got a job teaching at a music store that happens to be right by where I live. I guess this was possible because he knows somebody there, and my mother was telling me about it and wanting him to put in a good word for me. Sounds great, right? Well, it is. But it's still upsetting.
Of course I'm interested, that's not the problem. It's just another thing that makes me feel like a slacker/failure. I realize "they're trying to help" but if I were a decent human I would have gotten to that point myself. But I'm not so I didn't. Someone four years younger than me got there first. I don't mean that to be demeaning to anyone else, but it makes me feel like the failure of the family. "Wow, 16 and teaching, that's great! Now let's see if we can do something with this embarassment of a human." That's what it feels like. Last time the family got together I was being questioned by everybody about my choice to not return to college and what my future plans were, and now I feel like I'm even deeper in that hole.
You're probably wondering "Well, why don't you just go for it, you idiot?". And I'm going to try. One of three things will happen. The most promising is that I get a job teaching music and enjoy it, and cut down on hours at Pizza Hut significantly. Then I will have two jobs to support myself until something bigger comes along. Haha, just kidding about the last part. Or, I could get the job and hate it because of stupid kids, stupid parents, or people I work with, or whatever, and then I'm back to where I started. The worst scenario would be that nobody wants me and I lose what little hope I have now and drown myself in the Acid Tunnel.
I'm tired of letting everybody down. The last two and a half years have been spent doing just that, and I'm tired of it. I'm glad people are trying to help but they shouldn't have to, I should be able to help myself. But I can't. What is my problem? Why are people so much younger than me so far ahead of me in life? Am I crippled by some mental deficiency that everybody knows about except for me?
:(
Monday, August 9, 2010
Insubordination
I'm beginning to think all of these wrongdoings at work are either to save money or just to spite me, or both. Every bad thing that has happened (minus the occasional bout of pure bad luck) recently can be blamed on one of those two things.
For instance, why, on what is often the busiest day of the week (or at least one of them), would you not have anyone else come in until 5:30 when someone normally goes in at 4 every day? Why, after numerous complaints about needing a fourth person to help things run more smoothly, do we continue to have just three people (one of whom goes in an hour and a half late). Who does that?
Why do I and my fellow lackeys have to be the ones to take care of everything that goes wrong? Something breaking, running out of something, all someone else's mistake or problem. I've never questioned these things at work, I always wait until I'm gone to begin my ranting. I've never made a fuss about it at work, yet I'm the one who gets in trouble for us losing "points" because I forgot to shave or I didn't do my regular cleaning job one day because I had already stayed two hours later than I was supposed to because someone called in and nobody bothered to try and get someone else. If a customer really cared that the person dealing with their food hadn't shaved in two days or has long hair and happens to be a male (which obviously means that he doesn't bathe and also smokes marijuana and worships Satan) they should be shot anyway. If I am the one who is blamed for us missing out on some ultimately useless "points" because some higher-up thinks I don't suck their cock as much as everyone else, I can just show them the mold in the ice machine and under the sinks. OHHHH suck it!
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..
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..
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Also am I the only one who doesn't "get" these pictures of pregnant women? Maybe it's just me, but I don't like seeing pregnant bellies. At all. I know it's natural but it looks gross. I'm tired of pictures of these stupid people making the heart shape over their belly button while talking about how they'll be the best single mother ever because they decided to get knocked up at age 18 by someone they'd known for maybe two weeks. Also I swear to God I saw a picture a pregnant chick took of herself while she was driving. Why are these people allowed to live?!
For instance, why, on what is often the busiest day of the week (or at least one of them), would you not have anyone else come in until 5:30 when someone normally goes in at 4 every day? Why, after numerous complaints about needing a fourth person to help things run more smoothly, do we continue to have just three people (one of whom goes in an hour and a half late). Who does that?
Why do I and my fellow lackeys have to be the ones to take care of everything that goes wrong? Something breaking, running out of something, all someone else's mistake or problem. I've never questioned these things at work, I always wait until I'm gone to begin my ranting. I've never made a fuss about it at work, yet I'm the one who gets in trouble for us losing "points" because I forgot to shave or I didn't do my regular cleaning job one day because I had already stayed two hours later than I was supposed to because someone called in and nobody bothered to try and get someone else. If a customer really cared that the person dealing with their food hadn't shaved in two days or has long hair and happens to be a male (which obviously means that he doesn't bathe and also smokes marijuana and worships Satan) they should be shot anyway. If I am the one who is blamed for us missing out on some ultimately useless "points" because some higher-up thinks I don't suck their cock as much as everyone else, I can just show them the mold in the ice machine and under the sinks. OHHHH suck it!
.
..
...
..
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Also am I the only one who doesn't "get" these pictures of pregnant women? Maybe it's just me, but I don't like seeing pregnant bellies. At all. I know it's natural but it looks gross. I'm tired of pictures of these stupid people making the heart shape over their belly button while talking about how they'll be the best single mother ever because they decided to get knocked up at age 18 by someone they'd known for maybe two weeks. Also I swear to God I saw a picture a pregnant chick took of herself while she was driving. Why are these people allowed to live?!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Quaternary
On a lighter note, Whitney and I have a common interest in the fourth track from several albums. As in, the fourth song seems to be a common favorite, more often from albums with not as many songs (ie, not albums with 18 songs). So for those of you who don't care, here is a list of those that I could remember:
Aerosmith
Rocks: Combination (one of a few favorites)
Alice in Chains
Dirt: Down in a Hole (okay, my second favorite, but still)
The Beatles
Magical Mystery Tour: Blue Jay Way (there are a few favorites and this is one)
Let it Be: I Me Mine
Big Star
#1 Record: Thirteen (thanks Whitney)
Black Sabbath
Master of Reality: Children of the Grave
Sabbath Bloody Sabbath: Sabbra Cadabra
Days of the New
Days of the New II: Weapon and the Wound
Days of the New III: Die Born (one of two favorites)
Elliott Smith
Either/Or: Between the Bars
Elton John
Madman Across the Water: Madman Across the Water (either this or Tiny Dancer)
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (the first four are all the best)
Fleetwood Mac
Future Games: Future Games
Mystery to Me: Hypnotized (one of a few)
Heroes Are Hard to Find: Bermuda Triangle
Fleetwood Mac: Rhiannon
Funkadelic
Let's Take it to the Stage: No Head No Backstage Pass
Incubus
Make Yourself: The Warmth
Jerry Cantrell
Boggy Depot: Settling Down
Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin: Dazed and Confused
Led Zeppelin III: Since I've Been Loving You
Led Zeppelin IV: Stairway to Heaven
Physical Graffiti (Disc Two): Ten Years Gone
Meat Puppets
Meat Puppets II: Plateau
The Offspring
Smash: Gotta Get Away (one of a few)
Ixnay on the Hombre: Me and My Old Lady
Pink Floyd
Dark Side of the Moon: Time
Queens of the Stone Age
Lullabies to Paralyze: Tangled up in Plaid
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Freaky Styley: If You Want Me to Stay (a cover, but still)
The Uplift Mofo Party Plan: Backwoods (it's a close call for favorite. This is one of them)
By the Way: Dosed (again, it's pretty close between about four songs)
The Rolling Stones
Sticky Fingers: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (one of a few favorites)
Goats Head Soup: Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)
Black and Blue: Memory Motel
Sly and the Family Stone
There's a Riot Goin' On: Family Affair
Soundgarden
Screaming Life: Nothing to Say
Ultramega OK: Beyond the Wheel
Them Crooked Vultures
Them Crooked Vultures: Dead End Friends (one of a few favorites)
Type O Negative
Dead Again: September Sun
Yes
The Yes Album: I've Seen All Good People
Fragile: South Side of the Sky
Aerosmith
Rocks: Combination (one of a few favorites)
Alice in Chains
Dirt: Down in a Hole (okay, my second favorite, but still)
The Beatles
Magical Mystery Tour: Blue Jay Way (there are a few favorites and this is one)
Let it Be: I Me Mine
Big Star
#1 Record: Thirteen (thanks Whitney)
Black Sabbath
Master of Reality: Children of the Grave
Sabbath Bloody Sabbath: Sabbra Cadabra
Days of the New
Days of the New II: Weapon and the Wound
Days of the New III: Die Born (one of two favorites)
Elliott Smith
Either/Or: Between the Bars
Elton John
Madman Across the Water: Madman Across the Water (either this or Tiny Dancer)
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (the first four are all the best)
Fleetwood Mac
Future Games: Future Games
Mystery to Me: Hypnotized (one of a few)
Heroes Are Hard to Find: Bermuda Triangle
Fleetwood Mac: Rhiannon
Funkadelic
Let's Take it to the Stage: No Head No Backstage Pass
Incubus
Make Yourself: The Warmth
Jerry Cantrell
Boggy Depot: Settling Down
Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin: Dazed and Confused
Led Zeppelin III: Since I've Been Loving You
Led Zeppelin IV: Stairway to Heaven
Physical Graffiti (Disc Two): Ten Years Gone
Meat Puppets
Meat Puppets II: Plateau
The Offspring
Smash: Gotta Get Away (one of a few)
Ixnay on the Hombre: Me and My Old Lady
Pink Floyd
Dark Side of the Moon: Time
Queens of the Stone Age
Lullabies to Paralyze: Tangled up in Plaid
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Freaky Styley: If You Want Me to Stay (a cover, but still)
The Uplift Mofo Party Plan: Backwoods (it's a close call for favorite. This is one of them)
By the Way: Dosed (again, it's pretty close between about four songs)
The Rolling Stones
Sticky Fingers: Can't You Hear Me Knocking (one of a few favorites)
Goats Head Soup: Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)
Black and Blue: Memory Motel
Sly and the Family Stone
There's a Riot Goin' On: Family Affair
Soundgarden
Screaming Life: Nothing to Say
Ultramega OK: Beyond the Wheel
Them Crooked Vultures
Them Crooked Vultures: Dead End Friends (one of a few favorites)
Type O Negative
Dead Again: September Sun
Yes
The Yes Album: I've Seen All Good People
Fragile: South Side of the Sky
People try to put us down, just because we get around
I hate my generation. I mean that literally, I'm not talking about the song. I know every other generation of humans had their share of failures as well, and maybe it's just because I have to grow up with these people but I am disgusted by so many people my age. Where do I start?
I hate all these marriages that are happening out of nowhere, and most of them are probably happening because it's between two "upstanding" religious folks who just can't wait to bone each other but have to wait because otherwise they would make God cry, so they get married after five months and suddenly everything is awful! Oh no!
On the other hand, at least those people generally aren't polluting the world as much as those OTHER people, the ones who continue to pop these hopeless children into the world. I say hopeless because, well, there is no hope. I'm not blaming these multitudes of babies, even though I will be in 16 years when they make the same mistake. Why are these people so stupid? I graduated high school three years ago and I'd say anywhere between 1/4 and 1/3 of the girls I graduated with (or would have graduated with) have already had children. Because 21 is the perfect age to do such a thing as continue to pollute the world with more humans.
And I don't like how everyone is so full of themselves. I feel guilty having this blog and making my ridiculous "witty" blog titles and giving everyone my asinine opinions on things that don't matter, and filling people who don't care in on the happenings of my life via Facebook. I feel guilty playing music and thinking that maybe someone would care about it, when no one has a reason to care about anything I do. So I suppose I'm full of myself also. But some people are really ridiculous. You know, people being cryptic with their insults to someone they're angry at, and maybe even trying to be poetic about it, when it's really just angst at its most watered down. Or people who just try really hard to be so artsy or "alternative" or whatever, when they should just, as cliche as it is, be themselves. I stopped trying to impress people sometime in high school when I realized I was awful at it. Well, I guess I still WANT people to think I'm cool or whatever. Doesn't everybody? But I've never resorted to straightening my hair and wearing bright girl clothes and all that to make people like me, and I never decided that "if I drink with THESE people I'll be awesome!" or anything like that.
I'm not glorifying myself, I hate myself. I'm just saying that everyone who knows me knows what I'm really like: an awkward, angsty fail. It's not like I go to hang out with my church-going friends and talk about how Jesus rocks, then go to party it up with some PARTY ANIMALS or whatever they're called these days. I just exist. And that's the other thing I hate, but that doesn't just apply to people my age, it's everybody. But I won't bother, that's just the typical "people are so fake" rant. No one cares.
As usual this post went way off topic and I forgot my point and I had to point that out at the end.
I hate all these marriages that are happening out of nowhere, and most of them are probably happening because it's between two "upstanding" religious folks who just can't wait to bone each other but have to wait because otherwise they would make God cry, so they get married after five months and suddenly everything is awful! Oh no!
On the other hand, at least those people generally aren't polluting the world as much as those OTHER people, the ones who continue to pop these hopeless children into the world. I say hopeless because, well, there is no hope. I'm not blaming these multitudes of babies, even though I will be in 16 years when they make the same mistake. Why are these people so stupid? I graduated high school three years ago and I'd say anywhere between 1/4 and 1/3 of the girls I graduated with (or would have graduated with) have already had children. Because 21 is the perfect age to do such a thing as continue to pollute the world with more humans.
And I don't like how everyone is so full of themselves. I feel guilty having this blog and making my ridiculous "witty" blog titles and giving everyone my asinine opinions on things that don't matter, and filling people who don't care in on the happenings of my life via Facebook. I feel guilty playing music and thinking that maybe someone would care about it, when no one has a reason to care about anything I do. So I suppose I'm full of myself also. But some people are really ridiculous. You know, people being cryptic with their insults to someone they're angry at, and maybe even trying to be poetic about it, when it's really just angst at its most watered down. Or people who just try really hard to be so artsy or "alternative" or whatever, when they should just, as cliche as it is, be themselves. I stopped trying to impress people sometime in high school when I realized I was awful at it. Well, I guess I still WANT people to think I'm cool or whatever. Doesn't everybody? But I've never resorted to straightening my hair and wearing bright girl clothes and all that to make people like me, and I never decided that "if I drink with THESE people I'll be awesome!" or anything like that.
I'm not glorifying myself, I hate myself. I'm just saying that everyone who knows me knows what I'm really like: an awkward, angsty fail. It's not like I go to hang out with my church-going friends and talk about how Jesus rocks, then go to party it up with some PARTY ANIMALS or whatever they're called these days. I just exist. And that's the other thing I hate, but that doesn't just apply to people my age, it's everybody. But I won't bother, that's just the typical "people are so fake" rant. No one cares.
As usual this post went way off topic and I forgot my point and I had to point that out at the end.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Synesthesia
This is something else I wanted to mention tonight.
So when I was in kindergarten and we were learning numbers and letters, I rather involuntarily gave each number from one through nine its own color and personality. I remember three was a fat orange slob, four was a red hip guy, five was a very vibrant green and a nice guy, seven had shades and rode a motorcycle, etc. I gave the letters colors too, but not as many personalities. I still do it to this day, which is how I remember it. And the teacher never taught us to do that either.
When I started getting into music, around 9-10, I would "see" colors while hearing certain songs. Not all songs, though, which was/is a huge part of my determining whether something is good or not. Led Zeppelin was the first to really do it for me. The keyboard and guitar parts in All My Love (pinkish red), the eastern melodies in Kashmir (green and yellow), and all of Stairway to Heaven (green). I was into Soundgarden then too, but to be honest most of their music doesn't do many interesting mind tricks as far as colors are concerned, with a few exceptions (a lot of stuff on Down on the Upside as well as songs like 4th of July and Black Hole Sun). Some other songs that really groped my imagination as a kid (and to this day) were I've Seen All Good People by Yes, Scar Tissue and Under the Bridge by the Chili Peppers (mainly the end part with the "choir"), Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd (especially that lead synth melody and the guitar solo), any Hendrix, later Beatles (especially the songs on Magical Mystery Tour), and also a lot of Eddie Van Halen's guitar parts, which is a shame because I hate Van Halen (the band), but I really enjoy some of his guitar work.
I never thought much about all of that, because it was just always there, and nobody mentioned it, so I assumed it was just a part of life. When I was about sixteen Alex and I were hanging out and I learned that he experienced the same thing, and since then I've been exploiting the weird phenomenon when I play/write music.
So I was wondering if anyone else experiences this too. Is it something that everyone does, or am I a mothertrucking idiot? I'm assuming it's enhanced if you're on acid or something, but keep in mind I've never done drugs before so you can rule that out.
Also some other music that produces interesting results for those interested (yeah right):
In addition to what was mentioned earlier:
- Psychedelic music from the hippie era, of course. Hendrix and later Beatles were mentioned and are the best examples, but obviously a lot of music from those days works well.
- A lot of progressive/art rock, like Pink Floyd (any of it works), Yes (Fragile, Close to the Edge), early Genesis, King Crimson, etc. Another band that doesn't really fit in with the "progressive" label but give me the same results is Radiohead (sometimes).
- Jazz fusion: Mahavishnu Orchestra (the first two albums), late 60s/70s Miles Davis (Bitches Brew, Get up with It), some Jaco Pastorius, etc.
Anything with atmosphere: this could be anything from old jazz albums to old electronic music (Tangerine Dream and the like) and anything in between. Pink Floyd also fits here of course.
- Funk, when done by Parliament/Funkadelic, Sly Stone in the early 70s (There's a Riot Goin' On, Fresh, Small Talk), or early Incubus (Fungus Amongus). And by extension, any mellow rap (the mellow part is important), like a lot of OutKast stuff (Liberation, She Lives in my Lap, etc)
- Sitars and Arabic scales and bands that incorporate "world" music, like Days of the New (second album in particular).
- Anything made by crazy geniuses on drugs, like any Syd Barrett, or John Frusciante's first two albums.
And so on. Was this post too full of itself? Am I too full of myself? I didn't mean to be, sorry... :/
So when I was in kindergarten and we were learning numbers and letters, I rather involuntarily gave each number from one through nine its own color and personality. I remember three was a fat orange slob, four was a red hip guy, five was a very vibrant green and a nice guy, seven had shades and rode a motorcycle, etc. I gave the letters colors too, but not as many personalities. I still do it to this day, which is how I remember it. And the teacher never taught us to do that either.
When I started getting into music, around 9-10, I would "see" colors while hearing certain songs. Not all songs, though, which was/is a huge part of my determining whether something is good or not. Led Zeppelin was the first to really do it for me. The keyboard and guitar parts in All My Love (pinkish red), the eastern melodies in Kashmir (green and yellow), and all of Stairway to Heaven (green). I was into Soundgarden then too, but to be honest most of their music doesn't do many interesting mind tricks as far as colors are concerned, with a few exceptions (a lot of stuff on Down on the Upside as well as songs like 4th of July and Black Hole Sun). Some other songs that really groped my imagination as a kid (and to this day) were I've Seen All Good People by Yes, Scar Tissue and Under the Bridge by the Chili Peppers (mainly the end part with the "choir"), Have a Cigar by Pink Floyd (especially that lead synth melody and the guitar solo), any Hendrix, later Beatles (especially the songs on Magical Mystery Tour), and also a lot of Eddie Van Halen's guitar parts, which is a shame because I hate Van Halen (the band), but I really enjoy some of his guitar work.
I never thought much about all of that, because it was just always there, and nobody mentioned it, so I assumed it was just a part of life. When I was about sixteen Alex and I were hanging out and I learned that he experienced the same thing, and since then I've been exploiting the weird phenomenon when I play/write music.
So I was wondering if anyone else experiences this too. Is it something that everyone does, or am I a mothertrucking idiot? I'm assuming it's enhanced if you're on acid or something, but keep in mind I've never done drugs before so you can rule that out.
Also some other music that produces interesting results for those interested (yeah right):
In addition to what was mentioned earlier:
- Psychedelic music from the hippie era, of course. Hendrix and later Beatles were mentioned and are the best examples, but obviously a lot of music from those days works well.
- A lot of progressive/art rock, like Pink Floyd (any of it works), Yes (Fragile, Close to the Edge), early Genesis, King Crimson, etc. Another band that doesn't really fit in with the "progressive" label but give me the same results is Radiohead (sometimes).
- Jazz fusion: Mahavishnu Orchestra (the first two albums), late 60s/70s Miles Davis (Bitches Brew, Get up with It), some Jaco Pastorius, etc.
Anything with atmosphere: this could be anything from old jazz albums to old electronic music (Tangerine Dream and the like) and anything in between. Pink Floyd also fits here of course.
- Funk, when done by Parliament/Funkadelic, Sly Stone in the early 70s (There's a Riot Goin' On, Fresh, Small Talk), or early Incubus (Fungus Amongus). And by extension, any mellow rap (the mellow part is important), like a lot of OutKast stuff (Liberation, She Lives in my Lap, etc)
- Sitars and Arabic scales and bands that incorporate "world" music, like Days of the New (second album in particular).
- Anything made by crazy geniuses on drugs, like any Syd Barrett, or John Frusciante's first two albums.
And so on. Was this post too full of itself? Am I too full of myself? I didn't mean to be, sorry... :/
Bangin on a trash can
I played my first show in quite a while tonight. As usual nobody was there except for friends who have heard us a million times and probably don't care, but it was lots of fun.
I definitely know what I want to do when I grow up, but it's unfortunate that it probably won't turn out that way. I've had the last three days off (and one more to go) and I haven't felt so great in ages. I forgot how good my mood can potentially be when I'm away from my job and the ridiculousness that accompanies it.
Personally I think that every band I've ever been in has had some great strengths and it's really sad to think that some of them already faded into obscurity and had their "heyday" (ie, playing for like thirty semi-enthusiastic people) and the current bands are destined for the same fate. It's a shame because while I am definitely not a great musician, and the bands I've been in have flaws like any other, I know I've been involved in stuff that could blow away a lot of shit that's popular. I know everybody says that about their band. But I really believe it. I'm sick of the Slipknot clones, and the Avenged Sevenfold clones, and the emo bands. It's so easy to make a band that just copies someone else's work and not only do these people get away with it, people love it!
I feel like the music I've been involved in over the last four years is genuine, and it's too bad no one will notice or care. Not to make myself sound like a musical messiah or anything, because clearly I'm not, but I do get tired of these former jocks turned acoustic bearded softies, and the way-too-loud-for-his-own-good pretentious dicks becoming pretentious emo musicians, and so on. My friends and I just play our music. I won't say I'm a non-conformist or whatever because I don't really give a fuck. I've looked the same since I was 17 or so. Suddenly I almost blend in with these trendy bearded hipsters because of a mutual love for flannel and coffee and facial hair, except I don't go to college and succeed, then go to church and, the same day, smoke a bowl with the bearded brothas and play some indie piss.
Basically I don't feel like I fit in with anybody and I kind of enjoy it. I feel distanced from everybody in some way; my friends less so, but I still feel pretty different from all of them.
Anyway, what was I saying?
uh
Oh yeah.
I forgot my point again, which is that even though I'm a mediocre musician and my stage presence is at level -666, I mean what I play and so do my friends. We didn't just listen to what was hip and copy that, which is why I will spend the rest of my life at Pizza Hut, disappointing my family and friends, and becoming one of those washed up 40-something hairy guys playing in empty bars to drunken old sluts grinding on their own siblings.
Bye.
I definitely know what I want to do when I grow up, but it's unfortunate that it probably won't turn out that way. I've had the last three days off (and one more to go) and I haven't felt so great in ages. I forgot how good my mood can potentially be when I'm away from my job and the ridiculousness that accompanies it.
Personally I think that every band I've ever been in has had some great strengths and it's really sad to think that some of them already faded into obscurity and had their "heyday" (ie, playing for like thirty semi-enthusiastic people) and the current bands are destined for the same fate. It's a shame because while I am definitely not a great musician, and the bands I've been in have flaws like any other, I know I've been involved in stuff that could blow away a lot of shit that's popular. I know everybody says that about their band. But I really believe it. I'm sick of the Slipknot clones, and the Avenged Sevenfold clones, and the emo bands. It's so easy to make a band that just copies someone else's work and not only do these people get away with it, people love it!
I feel like the music I've been involved in over the last four years is genuine, and it's too bad no one will notice or care. Not to make myself sound like a musical messiah or anything, because clearly I'm not, but I do get tired of these former jocks turned acoustic bearded softies, and the way-too-loud-for-his-own-good pretentious dicks becoming pretentious emo musicians, and so on. My friends and I just play our music. I won't say I'm a non-conformist or whatever because I don't really give a fuck. I've looked the same since I was 17 or so. Suddenly I almost blend in with these trendy bearded hipsters because of a mutual love for flannel and coffee and facial hair, except I don't go to college and succeed, then go to church and, the same day, smoke a bowl with the bearded brothas and play some indie piss.
Basically I don't feel like I fit in with anybody and I kind of enjoy it. I feel distanced from everybody in some way; my friends less so, but I still feel pretty different from all of them.
Anyway, what was I saying?
uh
Oh yeah.
I forgot my point again, which is that even though I'm a mediocre musician and my stage presence is at level -666, I mean what I play and so do my friends. We didn't just listen to what was hip and copy that, which is why I will spend the rest of my life at Pizza Hut, disappointing my family and friends, and becoming one of those washed up 40-something hairy guys playing in empty bars to drunken old sluts grinding on their own siblings.
Bye.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Mission Improbable
Sometimes I wonder where I am headed in the next one or two or five or ten or twenty years.
Actually that's all I ever think about.
Most of what I do feels like a dead end. People who I think are completely nuts and going nowhere in life have asked me what I plan on doing with myself, and I really don't know. Until junior high I didn't really have a concept of "growing up". I just figured I would keep going to school and something would just kind of happen as a result and it would be okay. That does happen to some people and it probably could have happened to me had I stuck with it but I didn't. When I reached junior high I had such a case of teenage angst that I didn't really care at all. If I become rich and famous, awesome, if I die, whoops.
Then about halfway through high school I suddenly decided I would seriously pursue music, and from that moment (2006) until I left MSU (end of 2007) I was sure that that was all I needed. A 16 year old in a band?! What a crazy concept. I guess it could have been promising to anyone, and I was somewhat seriously studying music at MSU as a chaser of sorts. You know, if the bands don't work out I could play in an orchestra or teach or something.
Well, I left MSU and then everything kind of lost focus. I don't think I ever did, but most of my bandmates did, which hurt my momentum (HAH!). I made a lot of progress from my first couple years of experiences in bands... not just musically but with the proverbial "coming out of the shell", at least a little. I still hate talking to people but at least I can perform in front of them with few reservations, unless singing is involved. :)
The last year and a half, musically, has been extremely slow going and monotonous. Since Media Frenzy broke up I have been working on recording the dozen or so songs that either didn't reach their full potential/exploitation from Media Frenzy, were intended for the band but never used, or have been written in the occasional creative bursts since then. I think if I ever, finally, finish some sort of cohesive physical document of what I've been doing and what I've been trying to do for the last four years, that would be the potential start of some interesting adventures. For now I'm still trying to learn to sing and be comfortable with it, as well as just finding the time between stints at my tedious dead-end job to record.
Oh, that's the other point of this, I'm tired of my job. The money can be good depending on the day, and I've made some good/great friends over the last three years, but mentally and vehicularly it is taking its toll, and how.
So yeah, I've been working very hard lately. It doesn't show to anyone but me, but hopefully someday it will. And then maybe I'd have created something I can actually be proud of.
It wouldn't hurt to make a little more money either, YUK YUK YUK.
Actually that's all I ever think about.
Most of what I do feels like a dead end. People who I think are completely nuts and going nowhere in life have asked me what I plan on doing with myself, and I really don't know. Until junior high I didn't really have a concept of "growing up". I just figured I would keep going to school and something would just kind of happen as a result and it would be okay. That does happen to some people and it probably could have happened to me had I stuck with it but I didn't. When I reached junior high I had such a case of teenage angst that I didn't really care at all. If I become rich and famous, awesome, if I die, whoops.
Then about halfway through high school I suddenly decided I would seriously pursue music, and from that moment (2006) until I left MSU (end of 2007) I was sure that that was all I needed. A 16 year old in a band?! What a crazy concept. I guess it could have been promising to anyone, and I was somewhat seriously studying music at MSU as a chaser of sorts. You know, if the bands don't work out I could play in an orchestra or teach or something.
Well, I left MSU and then everything kind of lost focus. I don't think I ever did, but most of my bandmates did, which hurt my momentum (HAH!). I made a lot of progress from my first couple years of experiences in bands... not just musically but with the proverbial "coming out of the shell", at least a little. I still hate talking to people but at least I can perform in front of them with few reservations, unless singing is involved. :)
The last year and a half, musically, has been extremely slow going and monotonous. Since Media Frenzy broke up I have been working on recording the dozen or so songs that either didn't reach their full potential/exploitation from Media Frenzy, were intended for the band but never used, or have been written in the occasional creative bursts since then. I think if I ever, finally, finish some sort of cohesive physical document of what I've been doing and what I've been trying to do for the last four years, that would be the potential start of some interesting adventures. For now I'm still trying to learn to sing and be comfortable with it, as well as just finding the time between stints at my tedious dead-end job to record.
Oh, that's the other point of this, I'm tired of my job. The money can be good depending on the day, and I've made some good/great friends over the last three years, but mentally and vehicularly it is taking its toll, and how.
So yeah, I've been working very hard lately. It doesn't show to anyone but me, but hopefully someday it will. And then maybe I'd have created something I can actually be proud of.
It wouldn't hurt to make a little more money either, YUK YUK YUK.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Peter Panniculitis
I feel like a little kid stuck in the body of a feeble old man. Some days I feel like a feeble old man stuck in the body of a feeble 20-something. I started feeling this way around the time I started growing facial hair (ie, about 12). It seems that every year I fall a little further behind in life and I'm trying to understand why.
Upon an initial impression of my life to this point it seems pretty typical of a 21 year old for the most part: I had a short stint in college, I've held the same (shitty) job for three years now, I've had my own transportation for 98% of the last seven years or so, I've been living somewhere other than my parents' house for a year and a half, I've played some mostly lackluster shows with bands that no one cared about, and I've had a serious and stable relationship for over a year now. That all sounds okay, right?
It just seems weird thinking about it. It seems like I've made all of these accomplishments reading that, but I don't have much to show for it. But that's not really the point of this. Basically what I'm trying to get across is that I still feel like I did when I was 12. I feel like I was born, lived life as a kid and then...? Nine years of some pretty drastic life changes later, I still feel like the 12 year old version of me. Eight inches taller, hair everywhere, voice changed, school finished, and converted into another working class peon, but I still feel like I'm stuck in 2001.
Mostly I don't think about it much, unless I am suddenly confronted by a very 'adult' situation. I cannot handle the people I grew up with smoking and drinking and getting married and popping out kids. I am unable to wrap my head around it. These things all make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Watching the people I grew up with living what are very normal adult lives is impossible for me to understand. Why do I not feel like I am part of that? Clearly I'm alive and not on the streets or in jail, so I must be doing something right. I feel like we should be playing video games for hours on end, eating some junk food, talking about girls and music, and all that jive. That still happens for the most part, but these same people have jobs and girlfriends (or wives) and there's alcohol and stuff involved and it all confuses me.
I feel like when I was about 12 I was pretty intelligent as far as academics went. I had no common sense (still don't) but mostly I felt older mentally than the kids my age. And I don't feel like I've progressed since then. Everyone else has grown up but I don't feel like I've changed inside for ten years. Mostly I don't think about it, but when I'm around my peers and see how they are living their lives compared to me, I start to question what is going on with me. And I really have to question where my life is going and what my purpose is. I still feel like a little kid who, while at the time was maybe mentally older than necessary, stopped short and hasn't progressed since then.
This really didn't go anywhere because I don't know how to articulate these thoughts, but at some point tonight it really started getting to me and put me into a weird mood for the rest of the night so I had to mention it somewhere. I realize that I basically just repeated the same thought over several paragraphs. It's 4 am so whatever.
Upon an initial impression of my life to this point it seems pretty typical of a 21 year old for the most part: I had a short stint in college, I've held the same (shitty) job for three years now, I've had my own transportation for 98% of the last seven years or so, I've been living somewhere other than my parents' house for a year and a half, I've played some mostly lackluster shows with bands that no one cared about, and I've had a serious and stable relationship for over a year now. That all sounds okay, right?
It just seems weird thinking about it. It seems like I've made all of these accomplishments reading that, but I don't have much to show for it. But that's not really the point of this. Basically what I'm trying to get across is that I still feel like I did when I was 12. I feel like I was born, lived life as a kid and then...? Nine years of some pretty drastic life changes later, I still feel like the 12 year old version of me. Eight inches taller, hair everywhere, voice changed, school finished, and converted into another working class peon, but I still feel like I'm stuck in 2001.
Mostly I don't think about it much, unless I am suddenly confronted by a very 'adult' situation. I cannot handle the people I grew up with smoking and drinking and getting married and popping out kids. I am unable to wrap my head around it. These things all make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Watching the people I grew up with living what are very normal adult lives is impossible for me to understand. Why do I not feel like I am part of that? Clearly I'm alive and not on the streets or in jail, so I must be doing something right. I feel like we should be playing video games for hours on end, eating some junk food, talking about girls and music, and all that jive. That still happens for the most part, but these same people have jobs and girlfriends (or wives) and there's alcohol and stuff involved and it all confuses me.
I feel like when I was about 12 I was pretty intelligent as far as academics went. I had no common sense (still don't) but mostly I felt older mentally than the kids my age. And I don't feel like I've progressed since then. Everyone else has grown up but I don't feel like I've changed inside for ten years. Mostly I don't think about it, but when I'm around my peers and see how they are living their lives compared to me, I start to question what is going on with me. And I really have to question where my life is going and what my purpose is. I still feel like a little kid who, while at the time was maybe mentally older than necessary, stopped short and hasn't progressed since then.
This really didn't go anywhere because I don't know how to articulate these thoughts, but at some point tonight it really started getting to me and put me into a weird mood for the rest of the night so I had to mention it somewhere. I realize that I basically just repeated the same thought over several paragraphs. It's 4 am so whatever.
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