It's strange realizing that even though I put a lot of effort into not being a cliche, doing just that means I've already failed. Even just that sentence is so typically early twenties.

Much of my life as a twenty-something has been in the era of the hipsters, formerly known as the scene kids, formerly known as the emo kids, formerly known as the goth kids, etc. For many many years now there has been a drive for the youngins to be "different just like everybody else". I guess it started back around the time punk was breaking and teenagers were seeing how many more safety pins they could stick in their face than the next kid to make them look edgier. And it's equally comforting and disturbing thinking about how everyone eventually fails at their attempt at individuality.

I think I'm one of the most submissive, self-hating individualists there is. I'm not any of those things to the point where it's a statement or a defining characteristic. I just am. I hate the types of people everyone else is becoming and pride myself on not following anyone's footsteps but at the same time I'm equally harsh towards myself.

I always forget the points of these posts about 1/10 through and I'm really hungry.

Almost all of my posts are about the exact same thing but it's okay because nobody reads this. At this blog's peak I had maybe six or seven people who were reading my posts but they don't get on here anymore. If anyone (besides Whitney) is continuing to read this blog, then you now know how little my mind strays from the same subjects.

I feel like I'm one step away from having a real, physical representation of my attempt at a career in music. I'm actually three or four steps away, but it feels good. I wish I could sing. I've had nothing but encouragement from people that have heard my concerns but I really don't know how to go about being that okay with myself to go for it. I have no idea what I sound like; for all I know I sound like I should be in a bad Avenged Sevenfold cover band (a bad cover band of a bad band) or one of the chipmunks.

I hate that I'm 22, I've been in bands since I was 16 and I still don't have a CD to give to people. Just some old unlistenable demos and a couple guest appearances. If I could just this vocal thing figured out it's as good as done. But I could be 24 by the time that happens and I can't wait that long.

I'm tired of doing what I do for a living. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being looked down on because of my job. It's only been four years since I graduated and the career chasm is already wide open between me and my peers. But isn't it a huge cliche to complain about this crap? Everybody hates their degrading job. Everybody has huge, impossible hopes for their self-righteous 'music'. And I thought I was trying to be "different just like everybody else". I guess I sort of succeeded then.

I guess mainly I just wish I could grow some damn balls and do something about my failed artistic endeavors, my dead end job and my unenthusiastic outlook on my own present and future. Every day I tell myself I will do just that, starting either that day or the next, and I either don't do anything or I try and fail/pussy out. However, as of this last week things have started pointing in a good direction and I've apparently gotten a couple people really excited about my music and my plans for it, which is crazy to think about. So we'll see if something progresses in a positive way soon.

dumby

It's strange how stupid people generally become.

When I was in high school I thought that most 20-somethings were so lame. They weren't funny or interesting. Just lame. And now that I'm well into age 22, I know that I was right. I thought maybe there was something that the 18 year old me couldn't understand about the college age person, and maybe I still don't understand it.

Generally by the time you're 18 or close to 18 you've probably evolved beyond all the social and mental problems of your average high schooler, as that phase of life is almost over. And if you hadn't evolved past that, well, there's no hope for you. That final stretch of high school into the first year or two of college and the workforce and such seems to be a fairly positive time for people. Most of my musician friends were/are at their most productive at that time of existing. Even if I think that we've all made better stuff than when we were 18/19, there was an intense drive then that doesn't exist so much now, except in that "we should really look into doing this... (nothing happens)" way.

When I was going to school at MSU (almost four years ago... urhhg), I thought that most of the people that were older than me were just so uniteresting. They either had devoted their life to studying and no free thought, or partying and just no thought. And I won't even start with the people who didn't go to college...

And now it's like that with most people that I know. I don't want to come across as arrogant or a prude because I don't think I am but I don't understand why people let their brains go to waste in various ways. I can feel it happening to me with work. I felt like I had so much more time to live when I lived with my parents. Now I've been working at my job for four years and they have flown by. I really do feel like I've gotten stupider, and the last couple days I have felt a real drive to tickle my brain parts again. Not with college, just myself. I have these ridiculous thoughts and ideas and I might as well figure out how to do something useful with it all and not be such a lazy shit.

It's funny how it seems like our peers/environment/society/world/collective consciousness (depending on how small/large of a scale you want to consider) make it seem like we grow up to become the best we can be and be unique, when next thing you know, that actually means the straight B student, the person who spent five years of his life for a degree and can't get a job with it, the guy who plays in the same empty bar when he's 18, 24, 35, 43 and 60, the mother of four kids who also probably won't amount to much, and one of the fastest delivery drivers at store 1646. Anything unique or creative or whatever is weird, or embarassing, or pretentious, or what have you. Why try to understand something when Godsmack is on the radio?

But who do you blame? Do you blame the people who told you to go to school to become who you want to be, only to leave you to find out that you spent all these years to NOT be who you wanted, or do you blame yourself for falling for it?

I don't know, humans suck.

Also, I'm not just bashing college here. Actually that was far from the first thing on my mind going into this. Moreso than watching someone become a slave to the education system, I don't like watching formerly creative people throw that away to become another boring 20-something 'party guy', or a single parent with no hope just because they were a fool and didn't wrap their tool, or they enter a bad relationship and the significant other eats their soul/domesticates them. I expected these things to happen to some people, but not everyone.

As boring as I am, maybe I was born to be in a Rush cover band after all, who knows. I prefer Yes though...

Basically this is yet another blog capturing my thoughts on feeling increasingly isolated from my peers, and some possible mental dysfunction on my part (various people suggest various gifts/hindrances but they all make me sound ridiculous), as if I don't talk about this shit enough. But this is most of what's on my mind at any given time.

Gone

I know nobody reads this, but just in case, don't read any further if you don't want to be horribly depressed.
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Sometimes I feel like my only reason for being here is to get really close to people and friends of other species, long enough for me to be torn up when they're suddenly gone. That's most of what I've been through over the last 22 years. I mean, I haven't lost a parent or a sibling or child or anything but it still sucks. I have no idea how to deal with this. Everyone else just seems so indifferent about what happens in their lives and I can't handle losing anything. My time, my money, my hair, my grandmother, my dog, it all sucks so much, some (the last two) much more than others.

I feel like I lost my best friend. Other than Whitney I have gradually lost any ability to relate to anyone my own age. I feel like I'm just kind of watching everyone else do what a normal college-age person should be doing, and I'm just somewhere else entirely. I don't feel like I'm on the same planet sometimes. My friends and I have almost nothing in common anymore. A 22 year old should be interested in partying, getting laid, having fun, and I'm interested in whatever I'm interested in. Not that. Am I supposed to just not give a shit? My closest companion for almost 13 years is gone, now let's get fucked up. That just doesn't make sense.

I really feel like half the time things aren't even for real. It wasn't until last night that I really started to realize that I'm never going to see Nugget again. I knew this at the vet but I just wasn't ready for it. And now every time I think about it I think of the last moment that I saw him and how he wanted to follow me outside but I couldn't let him, and I had to leave him there. I feel like I murdered my best friend. Now he's a pile of ashes in a jar or something and it's just over. I don't understand.

But on the other hand, if my body were deteriorating like his had been, I'd be asking for someone to exterminate me. It just doesn't seem fair either way. Earlier this week I was surrounded by a dozen old people at a retirement place, just sitting in their wheelchairs, barely functioning. Nugget at least got to go out while he could still walk on his own (for a while, he got tired pretty quickly and he couldn't stand up without help). Either way it just sounds terrible. And that's if you live a full life. What's the alternative, you die young from a horrible painful disease, or you die in a car crash or something? I guess Nugget went out in the best possible way but it still doesn't seem fair. I could have never been in the room when they put him down but I feel like I let him down leaving him there, like his last few minutes were spent wondering why I was leaving him.

Not to mention that I really did consider him a best friend (after Whitney at least). Which I guess is kind of weird. I don't think I'm a weird animal-crazy guy (you know, like a cat lady or whatever) but I really do feel like I have so much more in common with certain animal companions than most humans. Most dogs bark too much and just want me to leave their property, and cats couldn't care less, but there are the select few pets that are just cool and Nugget was one of the coolest. I didn't have to worry about him being condescending to me, or avoiding me because he thought I would look down on him because he was going to go partying or some shit. We just got along perfectly. I mean yeah, he ran away a lot and broke my arm but still, he was never directly cruel to me or anyone. Out of any living creature I've ever known he probably liked me unconditionally more than any other, and I loved him as much as I do my parents, or my grandparents or any other family/close friends.

So now what? I feel like yet another piece of my childhood is gone. My one friend who was always happy to see me and actually wanted anything to do with me is never coming back. And now I'm surrounded by a bunch of humans (except Whitney, my parents and grandparents) who don't relate to me in any way, and a couple of cats who try to ruin my life in little ways whenever possible. A lot of times I just don't feel like I have much of a purpose. I just come here to lose everything I gain.

Okay, I'm done now I guess.

I am one

I'm not always in a bad mood. But if you want to put me in one, interrupting me is a good method. Treating me like a little kid is a better one. Oh, and giving me exact change at work, but that should already be understood. This isn't a big deal anyway, it's just a fairly routine first hour at work.

Actually I'm in a better mood now. Ranting is good for the soul. As are cookies and tips. Maybe I AM a little kid. I feel like it most of the time. Maybe that's why I don't like kids, because I am one. Ooooooooo.

Fetus Ball

I don't care what anyone says, newborn babies are some disgusting looking creatures. They all look hideous. I was an ugly newborn and you were too.

I never want to be a parent... I have encountered some children who are really great, better than 99% of the rest of humanity already, but I hate to think that they are already plagued by various issues, mainly because of their surroundings, or parents, or bad teachers, or asshole peers, or what have you. Hopefully they grow up and overcome such petty BS and do great things, unlike the rest of us.

As for the rest of the youth of America, they're going to grow up to be horrible people because they already are horrible people. Probably.

This post was supposed to end after that first paragraph.

Embored

I feel like I bore most of the people I talk to and I disappoint, offend and/or embarrass the rest. No exceptions. People really don't care what I have to say, and I don't blame them.

Hello me, it's me again

I had a three hour conversation with myself this afternoon. From noon until sometime in the three o' clock hour I was conversing with myself cranially, mostly nonstop. It's not at all an unusual happening, but typically there are more interruptions, (a cat, a phone call, etc). I woke up in a very bad mood today so I spent most of the time ranting to myself about whatever was upsetting me, and I can't even remember what that was (I'm usually in a generally poor mood on Friday anyway because that's when I go back to work, so it could have just been the stress of everything going on lately). It wasn't until Stevie did something bad, so I said her name, which was the first thing I actually said to that point today, and it seemed really loud so I was taken aback.

I used to have to sleep with the TV on at my parents' because it would always be really quiet so I'd just talk to myself forever and the silence would get way too loud, so the TV provided a nice distraction to that.

I also do this all the time when I'm alone or when I feel alone, like at work when I'm just doing some mundane task. There have been a couple times when I get into a real pickle (again, usually at work) and I start saying "oh god, oh god, oh god" in my mind as the person is yelling at me and eventually the "oh god"s get louder than what they're actually saying and I can't hear them anymore, just this gang of my voices yelling different things, like "stop" "leave me alone" and other things that sound like a child rape case, which it isn't.

Does anyone else do this? Is this normal? Should I really be telling the world these things?

Also, yes, that was a Megadeth reference in the title of this blog. And no, I should NOT have revealed that.