I know nobody reads this, but just in case, don't read any further if you don't want to be horribly depressed.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
Sometimes I feel like my only reason for being here is to get really close to people and friends of other species, long enough for me to be torn up when they're suddenly gone. That's most of what I've been through over the last 22 years. I mean, I haven't lost a parent or a sibling or child or anything but it still sucks. I have no idea how to deal with this. Everyone else just seems so indifferent about what happens in their lives and I can't handle losing anything. My time, my money, my hair, my grandmother, my dog, it all sucks so much, some (the last two) much more than others.
I feel like I lost my best friend. Other than Whitney I have gradually lost any ability to relate to anyone my own age. I feel like I'm just kind of watching everyone else do what a normal college-age person should be doing, and I'm just somewhere else entirely. I don't feel like I'm on the same planet sometimes. My friends and I have almost nothing in common anymore. A 22 year old should be interested in partying, getting laid, having fun, and I'm interested in whatever I'm interested in. Not that. Am I supposed to just not give a shit? My closest companion for almost 13 years is gone, now let's get fucked up. That just doesn't make sense.
I really feel like half the time things aren't even for real. It wasn't until last night that I really started to realize that I'm never going to see Nugget again. I knew this at the vet but I just wasn't ready for it. And now every time I think about it I think of the last moment that I saw him and how he wanted to follow me outside but I couldn't let him, and I had to leave him there. I feel like I murdered my best friend. Now he's a pile of ashes in a jar or something and it's just over. I don't understand.
But on the other hand, if my body were deteriorating like his had been, I'd be asking for someone to exterminate me. It just doesn't seem fair either way. Earlier this week I was surrounded by a dozen old people at a retirement place, just sitting in their wheelchairs, barely functioning. Nugget at least got to go out while he could still walk on his own (for a while, he got tired pretty quickly and he couldn't stand up without help). Either way it just sounds terrible. And that's if you live a full life. What's the alternative, you die young from a horrible painful disease, or you die in a car crash or something? I guess Nugget went out in the best possible way but it still doesn't seem fair. I could have never been in the room when they put him down but I feel like I let him down leaving him there, like his last few minutes were spent wondering why I was leaving him.
Not to mention that I really did consider him a best friend (after Whitney at least). Which I guess is kind of weird. I don't think I'm a weird animal-crazy guy (you know, like a cat lady or whatever) but I really do feel like I have so much more in common with certain animal companions than most humans. Most dogs bark too much and just want me to leave their property, and cats couldn't care less, but there are the select few pets that are just cool and Nugget was one of the coolest. I didn't have to worry about him being condescending to me, or avoiding me because he thought I would look down on him because he was going to go partying or some shit. We just got along perfectly. I mean yeah, he ran away a lot and broke my arm but still, he was never directly cruel to me or anyone. Out of any living creature I've ever known he probably liked me unconditionally more than any other, and I loved him as much as I do my parents, or my grandparents or any other family/close friends.
So now what? I feel like yet another piece of my childhood is gone. My one friend who was always happy to see me and actually wanted anything to do with me is never coming back. And now I'm surrounded by a bunch of humans (except Whitney, my parents and grandparents) who don't relate to me in any way, and a couple of cats who try to ruin my life in little ways whenever possible. A lot of times I just don't feel like I have much of a purpose. I just come here to lose everything I gain.
Okay, I'm done now I guess.
