It's strange realizing that even though I put a lot of effort into not being a cliche, doing just that means I've already failed. Even just that sentence is so typically early twenties.

Much of my life as a twenty-something has been in the era of the hipsters, formerly known as the scene kids, formerly known as the emo kids, formerly known as the goth kids, etc. For many many years now there has been a drive for the youngins to be "different just like everybody else". I guess it started back around the time punk was breaking and teenagers were seeing how many more safety pins they could stick in their face than the next kid to make them look edgier. And it's equally comforting and disturbing thinking about how everyone eventually fails at their attempt at individuality.

I think I'm one of the most submissive, self-hating individualists there is. I'm not any of those things to the point where it's a statement or a defining characteristic. I just am. I hate the types of people everyone else is becoming and pride myself on not following anyone's footsteps but at the same time I'm equally harsh towards myself.

I always forget the points of these posts about 1/10 through and I'm really hungry.

Almost all of my posts are about the exact same thing but it's okay because nobody reads this. At this blog's peak I had maybe six or seven people who were reading my posts but they don't get on here anymore. If anyone (besides Whitney) is continuing to read this blog, then you now know how little my mind strays from the same subjects.

I feel like I'm one step away from having a real, physical representation of my attempt at a career in music. I'm actually three or four steps away, but it feels good. I wish I could sing. I've had nothing but encouragement from people that have heard my concerns but I really don't know how to go about being that okay with myself to go for it. I have no idea what I sound like; for all I know I sound like I should be in a bad Avenged Sevenfold cover band (a bad cover band of a bad band) or one of the chipmunks.

I hate that I'm 22, I've been in bands since I was 16 and I still don't have a CD to give to people. Just some old unlistenable demos and a couple guest appearances. If I could just this vocal thing figured out it's as good as done. But I could be 24 by the time that happens and I can't wait that long.

I'm tired of doing what I do for a living. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being looked down on because of my job. It's only been four years since I graduated and the career chasm is already wide open between me and my peers. But isn't it a huge cliche to complain about this crap? Everybody hates their degrading job. Everybody has huge, impossible hopes for their self-righteous 'music'. And I thought I was trying to be "different just like everybody else". I guess I sort of succeeded then.

I guess mainly I just wish I could grow some damn balls and do something about my failed artistic endeavors, my dead end job and my unenthusiastic outlook on my own present and future. Every day I tell myself I will do just that, starting either that day or the next, and I either don't do anything or I try and fail/pussy out. However, as of this last week things have started pointing in a good direction and I've apparently gotten a couple people really excited about my music and my plans for it, which is crazy to think about. So we'll see if something progresses in a positive way soon.