I feel like a little kid stuck in the body of a feeble old man. Some days I feel like a feeble old man stuck in the body of a feeble 20-something. I started feeling this way around the time I started growing facial hair (ie, about 12). It seems that every year I fall a little further behind in life and I'm trying to understand why.
Upon an initial impression of my life to this point it seems pretty typical of a 21 year old for the most part: I had a short stint in college, I've held the same (shitty) job for three years now, I've had my own transportation for 98% of the last seven years or so, I've been living somewhere other than my parents' house for a year and a half, I've played some mostly lackluster shows with bands that no one cared about, and I've had a serious and stable relationship for over a year now. That all sounds okay, right?
It just seems weird thinking about it. It seems like I've made all of these accomplishments reading that, but I don't have much to show for it. But that's not really the point of this. Basically what I'm trying to get across is that I still feel like I did when I was 12. I feel like I was born, lived life as a kid and then...? Nine years of some pretty drastic life changes later, I still feel like the 12 year old version of me. Eight inches taller, hair everywhere, voice changed, school finished, and converted into another working class peon, but I still feel like I'm stuck in 2001.
Mostly I don't think about it much, unless I am suddenly confronted by a very 'adult' situation. I cannot handle the people I grew up with smoking and drinking and getting married and popping out kids. I am unable to wrap my head around it. These things all make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Watching the people I grew up with living what are very normal adult lives is impossible for me to understand. Why do I not feel like I am part of that? Clearly I'm alive and not on the streets or in jail, so I must be doing something right. I feel like we should be playing video games for hours on end, eating some junk food, talking about girls and music, and all that jive. That still happens for the most part, but these same people have jobs and girlfriends (or wives) and there's alcohol and stuff involved and it all confuses me.
I feel like when I was about 12 I was pretty intelligent as far as academics went. I had no common sense (still don't) but mostly I felt older mentally than the kids my age. And I don't feel like I've progressed since then. Everyone else has grown up but I don't feel like I've changed inside for ten years. Mostly I don't think about it, but when I'm around my peers and see how they are living their lives compared to me, I start to question what is going on with me. And I really have to question where my life is going and what my purpose is. I still feel like a little kid who, while at the time was maybe mentally older than necessary, stopped short and hasn't progressed since then.
This really didn't go anywhere because I don't know how to articulate these thoughts, but at some point tonight it really started getting to me and put me into a weird mood for the rest of the night so I had to mention it somewhere. I realize that I basically just repeated the same thought over several paragraphs. It's 4 am so whatever.
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