Mission Improbable

Sometimes I wonder where I am headed in the next one or two or five or ten or twenty years.

Actually that's all I ever think about.

Most of what I do feels like a dead end. People who I think are completely nuts and going nowhere in life have asked me what I plan on doing with myself, and I really don't know. Until junior high I didn't really have a concept of "growing up". I just figured I would keep going to school and something would just kind of happen as a result and it would be okay. That does happen to some people and it probably could have happened to me had I stuck with it but I didn't. When I reached junior high I had such a case of teenage angst that I didn't really care at all. If I become rich and famous, awesome, if I die, whoops.

Then about halfway through high school I suddenly decided I would seriously pursue music, and from that moment (2006) until I left MSU (end of 2007) I was sure that that was all I needed. A 16 year old in a band?! What a crazy concept. I guess it could have been promising to anyone, and I was somewhat seriously studying music at MSU as a chaser of sorts. You know, if the bands don't work out I could play in an orchestra or teach or something.

Well, I left MSU and then everything kind of lost focus. I don't think I ever did, but most of my bandmates did, which hurt my momentum (HAH!). I made a lot of progress from my first couple years of experiences in bands... not just musically but with the proverbial "coming out of the shell", at least a little. I still hate talking to people but at least I can perform in front of them with few reservations, unless singing is involved. :)

The last year and a half, musically, has been extremely slow going and monotonous. Since Media Frenzy broke up I have been working on recording the dozen or so songs that either didn't reach their full potential/exploitation from Media Frenzy, were intended for the band but never used, or have been written in the occasional creative bursts since then. I think if I ever, finally, finish some sort of cohesive physical document of what I've been doing and what I've been trying to do for the last four years, that would be the potential start of some interesting adventures. For now I'm still trying to learn to sing and be comfortable with it, as well as just finding the time between stints at my tedious dead-end job to record.

Oh, that's the other point of this, I'm tired of my job. The money can be good depending on the day, and I've made some good/great friends over the last three years, but mentally and vehicularly it is taking its toll, and how.

So yeah, I've been working very hard lately. It doesn't show to anyone but me, but hopefully someday it will. And then maybe I'd have created something I can actually be proud of.

It wouldn't hurt to make a little more money either, YUK YUK YUK.