Move on

I got a call from my mom today. I probably should have interpreted this call as hopeful and optimistic, a "step in the right direction" and all that, but part of me keeps going back to the negative.

So my cousin got a job teaching at a music store that happens to be right by where I live. I guess this was possible because he knows somebody there, and my mother was telling me about it and wanting him to put in a good word for me. Sounds great, right? Well, it is. But it's still upsetting.

Of course I'm interested, that's not the problem. It's just another thing that makes me feel like a slacker/failure. I realize "they're trying to help" but if I were a decent human I would have gotten to that point myself. But I'm not so I didn't. Someone four years younger than me got there first. I don't mean that to be demeaning to anyone else, but it makes me feel like the failure of the family. "Wow, 16 and teaching, that's great! Now let's see if we can do something with this embarassment of a human." That's what it feels like. Last time the family got together I was being questioned by everybody about my choice to not return to college and what my future plans were, and now I feel like I'm even deeper in that hole.

You're probably wondering "Well, why don't you just go for it, you idiot?". And I'm going to try. One of three things will happen. The most promising is that I get a job teaching music and enjoy it, and cut down on hours at Pizza Hut significantly. Then I will have two jobs to support myself until something bigger comes along. Haha, just kidding about the last part. Or, I could get the job and hate it because of stupid kids, stupid parents, or people I work with, or whatever, and then I'm back to where I started. The worst scenario would be that nobody wants me and I lose what little hope I have now and drown myself in the Acid Tunnel.

I'm tired of letting everybody down. The last two and a half years have been spent doing just that, and I'm tired of it. I'm glad people are trying to help but they shouldn't have to, I should be able to help myself. But I can't. What is my problem? Why are people so much younger than me so far ahead of me in life? Am I crippled by some mental deficiency that everybody knows about except for me?

:(